Okay, last time I said the post was going to be short, and it was longer than the one I thought was long. SO SHORT REFLECTION. (I thought of a fun house mirror that shrinks you. heheheh)
Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Today I received my first failure. Of college, and… Practically.. ever. At least when it comes to academics. And I didn’t handle it very well. I mean, I know we had an entire message about failure and how it brings us closer to God, and afterwards I did read the psalms for today… But idk. It’s just so different when it happens to you. But I did gain hope. I don’t know what God’s plan for me is.. I don’t know what he wants me to do, but all I can do is trust in Him.. and pray that he will give me the wisdom to figure out what to do next. I mean, in the end it is a life decision. But it’s just a major. It’s just a job. What’s really important is the relationships I create through these outlets.. through the church. I just hope I can continue trusting in Him, because I know if it was me a year ago, I definitely would’ve broken down… but..
18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the Lord delivers him out of them all.
20 He keeps all of his bones,
Not one of them is broken.
Which reminds me, I need to actually write my thoughts down about DT and I need someone to hold me accountable.. :( Anyone wanna?! :D
Wahhhh. I don’t want to write this.. but. must. write. every. single. day. augh.
I did not read at all. It’s kinda bad. But I don’t know. I feel like I need to figure out the reason why I’m reading and I know the reason why I’m reading but somehow it just doesn’t seem that urgent or that important even though it should be. hmm.
On a completely unrelated note, I’ve realized I’ve had to cut some friendships with people just because… I can’t do it anymore. Really, it’s the first friendship I’ve actually.. given up on. It’s kinda amazing..ly.. sad. But.. I don’t know. I feel that it’s not a good influence on me and it’ll just end up hurting me in the long run, and truthfully, I’ve been hurt a lot from it. And I really don’t want to go back to that. Wah. It made me think more about friendships though. Like, what are good frienships? Are there friendships I should cut off… just because? But it’s like, it’s never been in my philosophy to give up on someone. EVER. I just.. don’t. If I care about someone enough to get to know them, I don’t really ever get bored of them, and as our friendship goes on it can only grow! Or separation might stagnate it.. but it never dies… At least hopefully. Hmm.
That was all totally random thoughts and so it doesn’t make sense probably. Anyways, Good night!
This one is a bit shorter.
5 For his anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime,
Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning.
So last night after my second reflection, I realized that I needed to come back… that I’ve been straying lately. But eh. Just need to work on it.. Find what I’m really doing in life…
Other than that, even though I haven’t done any bible reading or religious reading or any reading at all… ugh. pretty bad considering it’s 1 am, I guess DT after this. but uhm, It was a really good day. Saw some besties at UCI and it was really really good. I missed them. But it also helped a lot. For the last couple months I’ve been working on making my tongue less sharp, and insinuating less things under my breath… and my bestie said I had definitely gotten better! So I’m hoping to keep that up! :D Also, just talking about life and stuff was really nice. I forgot how amazing it was to just have someone you can trust completely to talk about anything and everything with.. and being trusted that much that it doesn’t matter. Hmm, hoping to strengthen my bonds with sisters to this point too.
One big thing, I discovered the discrepancy between the way I live now and the way my friends do. Even though we have similar life philosophies, I’ve changed in sooo many ways. I’m not as sad as I used to be— and life is definitely much more hopeful. Not that my friends aren’t this way either— it’s just that before I put all of my self-worth in them, and even though I deny it, I could never be comfortable around them because of the fact that I might be judged, but knowing my worth through God’s love really is such a blessing even with friends outside of church. Also, I need to be less ashamed about my religion. That it really is a blessing— and even though my friends aren’t at this place in their lives, to just encourage them to think about what they want…
Which leads me into criminology. In my friend’s crim class they were talking about the American Dream, and materialism, and family, and houses, and that these are the main points of the American Dream… And I couldn’t help but think that this is so true. And to just realize how radical the church really is. I mean, societal goals are all aimed towards these things, and God wants you to stop putting these things up as idols. To stop pressuring after things of security and comfort, but rather to take security and comfort in Him, because only in Him can we truly be happy. Even if I have doubts about all of these things, this is one thing I’m coming to understand… God doesn’t put these boundaries down so that we will be unhappy and slaves, but that we can truly flourish because he has placed these boundaries down in a wonderful way. And who are we to doubt these boundaries?
11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,
12 That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent,
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
- Psalm 30
Self-reflection #2!! yayyy. So I decided to do a daily self reflection/life blog just to keep track of where I am in life and stuff because we had a message about old people wanting to reflect more, and then I kinda wanted to and then a friend made mee. And then I wanted to make it public because… I don’t know. I don’t want to hide my faith anymore. And what better way to not hide something than to post it on the internet?
13 I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, Wait for the Lord.
ANYWAYS, this one will be available to public, not that anyone reads it. And the first one was too angsty so it got privated, in case you were wondering.
Here it goes: (again):
So it’s officially my second day at home, and I think.. it went a lot better than the first. I think I was kinda resentful of the fact that I had to leave Berkeley early and I didn’t get to see any of the Seniors graduate and I didn’t get to hang out at all since my last final was on Friday… BUT, now that that’s off my chest, it was a good day. I’m happier to be home now and I’m trying hard to witness to my mom and to just read more and to do DT! ahhhh. I sorta did DT but I didn’t write it down :( And then I read Genesis 1-6 and it took me like two hours because I’m reading the notes in my study bible. Uhm, other than that, feeling slightly lonely, but I think I need to depend on God more. That I don’t need people around me at all times.. but to just have faith.
Not to mention, I need to research OT more, because I read everything about the creation of the OT, as well as our own creation.. just started to sound a little doubtful to me. I know I’m questioning to stay in the faith, but I’m wondering if I’m questioning too much, like, it’s not really important when it comes to the biblical message, but still, it makes me wonder. Sigh, another thing to do— research! and struggle with my sin. and my desires. It’s pretty amazing— through that little defiance, we created this huge separation between us and God. Like, how even if we don’t directly go against His Word, by running away from Him then it is an act of rebellion…an act of death.
Other than all this religious… stuff… (hopefully not jargon), I painted a lot, I cleaned a lot, and I think I’m getting along well with my mother! Yayyy. Pray for me, I need it… Oh, and also, some slight financial troubles and I have no idea what I am going to do this summer.. Ahhh. Just need to remember:
The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
—- Psalm 27:1